I've Got It!!!

No, not a nasty dose like the one I wished on Jacqui. And by the way, I still haven't seen her on Sky News having a crafty scratch "down there". Bloody Santa not making my wishes come true!

Anyway, what I have got is the answer. 

But what's the question? Well, if you also wear the Cloth, you'll know how we keep being issued with kit that's completely useless. It just doesn't do what it says on the tin. What's the phrase? Oh yeah, "not fit for purpose". 

For example, my fleece lets all the cold air and water in and after wearing it twice the word Police started to fall off it. 

My strides are itchy and uncomfortable and, on the odd occasion I get to chase somebody like in The Bill, I can't jump over fences without worrying about scrotal damage. 

And my shirts are OK as long as it's not too cold. Or hot. Or wet. Or unless they're taken out of the packet. 

I noticed that our PCSO's had been issued with some really nice looking strides. They were like combat trousers, but a bit shiny and smooth to the touch. I knew I'd never be issued any, because I'd only get them dirty and my Inspector would have to sew patches onto them. But I thought I'd treat myself to a pair. I phoned up our clothing store and asked who the supplier was (some company in Derby) and then phoned them direct to make an order. 

I spoke to a lovely lady who explained that they were £70. I told her she was mistaken, that I only wanted one pair and not one each for everybody I know. But apparently it was I who was mistaken. Because they were £70 a pop! In the end I went to Millets and got two (slightly less shiny but still very smooth pairs for £30. And they were fleece lined!)

So, that's the answer. Instead of Forces spending inordinate amounts of money on kit that either won't get used, because it's crap, or won't get issued because it's too expensive, I've decided to suggest a complete overhaul to the system. 

Basically, we all get issued with £300 worth of vouchers to go and spend at Millets during the Boxing Day sales. We get kit that works and the economy gets a little boost. 

And then we get our Inspector to sew the Force badge on what we buy. 

I'm Not Rubbing It In But...

But, I'm now off work until the 27th of December. Which seems like an awful long way away. It'll have been nearly a week by the time I get back. 

Normally I hate being off work for more than a few days because I start to wonder what I'm missing. I mean, I like drinking beer in front of the telly as much as the next bloke. And I shake a mean tush too, so bars and clubs definitely aren't off limits. But no matter how good a time I have, being off work just isn't as funny as being at work. 

So I wanted to say a big thanks to everyone out there who's going to be looking after me tonight. And also tomorrow as I try not to look too hungover in front of the family. (The smell of sprouts and burnt turkey can make me puke at the best of times but after one too many half shandies....)

Without the nurses, doctors, coppers, paramedics and firefighters Christmas would be an altogether different proposition. So I am grateful. 

But if my thanks don't help you to see the bright side of working whilst I'm shakin' it just think:

Off duty nurses won't be able to extract random household objects from people's arses which "accidentally" got stuck up there. 

Off duty paramedics won't be able to answer 999 calls from somebody who's got a condom stuck up their nose after a Christmas party prank gone wrong. (on a separate issue, I wrote "cuty" instead of "duty" on this one. Freudian slip? There are an awful lot of cute paramedics out there...)

Off duty coppers won't be able to turn up to a disturbance outside a pub and threaten to arrest everyone unless they sing you "Merry Christmas". 

And off duty firefighters can't all jump in their big red busses and go down town to collect kisses off pissed office workers. 

So, silver linings everywhere. Working at Christmas isn't too bad after all. 

And if all else fails, think of the overtime. 

Merry Christmas all x  x

Merry Christmas (Winter Festival for those of you worried about upsetting anyone)

Well, here we are. Once again it's that time of year and, as I write this, there's only four shoplifting days left 'til Christmas. 

I've been watching the other blogs and, apparently, I'm not the only hoping that Santa brings our illustrious Home Secretary a dose of the clap this year. I thought I'd share with you the letter I wrote to Santa in the hope that, in case he doesn't exist, somebody out there can make my wishes come true. 

Dear Father Christmas, 

My name is Paperwork and I have been very good this year. I arrested some bad people and made sure that they weren't able to hurt or steal from the nice people for at least a few hours. I was nice to my Inspector, even though he's a buffoon, because I know how sensitive he is. I only broke one Police car. And it wasn't really broke. Well, the wheels were, but that's all. And I was very sorry. And lastly, I only shouted at people when they were unpleasant. The nice people all got smiles. 

So, Santa, please can you bring me the following things? 

1) A new car. Not for me you understand. It's for work. Only, the one I'm driving there now has over 120,000 miles on the clock. And, because H.M. Inspectorate have decided we've got too many cars, my Inspector won't give me one. 

2) A new pen. I know, I know. You brought me loads last year. But I'd used them all by February. Which wasn't bad. Imagine if the Government weren't cutting down on the paperwork we have to do...

3) Some business cards with "I know it'll bugger up your budget, but I want what I'm entitled to. Thanks." printed on them. This is because I've decided to stop putting overtime on my card. As you know, I used to do it all the time but now the nasty Mrs Smith has screwed me over I'd rather just have the money now. And anyway, it's not like we're allowed to use the time off anyway. 

4) A big stick. Because Mrs Smith keeps screwing me and I don't like it. I thought perhaps I could poke her with it until she goes away. 

5) Some friends to play with. I used to have lots of friends at work, but they all keep disappearing. They go to somewhere called "specialist unit" and nobody ever sees them again. The Inspector told us we were going to get some new friends, but they were called "Support Officers". He said we're not allowed to play with them in case they get hurt. 

6) A new slogan. Because I'm bored of the one we've got. Everybody's started using it. In. Every. Sentence. As in; 

Officer 1: "Where are you going, colleague?"

Officer 2: "Why, I'm just popping out to Make ****** Safer. And Feel Safer"

Any slogan will do, but if you could bring me one that has something to do with "Locking Up Villains Until They're Too Old To Commit Crime" then that'd be nice. 

7) A donkey jacket, brazier and a big cardboard placard. I don't know why, but my friends (the ones who haven't disappeared) say we're going to need them soon. By the way, what does "scab" mean?

8) A Commendation. I saw in General Orders that the Chief gave loads out last week. I know I don't deserve one, because they were all on Quality Development Projects and Community Diversity Teams and I just arrest the bad people. But it might be nice to have a "Santa's Commendation" to put on my wall. 

9) Finally, Santa, I want you to bring peace and goodwill to all. Apart from the following:

• people who can't be arsed to work for a living and expect me to pay for their Stella and Sky Sports
• people who think it's OK to treat others like sh*t
• people who want me to raise their kids for them, because frankly they're too busy stealing. And drinking Stella
• people who can't so much as sniff a can of Stella without punching whoever happens to be stood next to them
• people who can't be arsed to sort out their own problems, "because, like, the Police should, like, do it, right, cos I pay your wages!"
• people who don't understand the concept of "that doesn't belong to you"

All the best Santa, 

Paperwork, aged 5 x