Merry Christmas (Winter Festival for those of you worried about upsetting anyone)

Well, here we are. Once again it's that time of year and, as I write this, there's only four shoplifting days left 'til Christmas. 

I've been watching the other blogs and, apparently, I'm not the only hoping that Santa brings our illustrious Home Secretary a dose of the clap this year. I thought I'd share with you the letter I wrote to Santa in the hope that, in case he doesn't exist, somebody out there can make my wishes come true. 

Dear Father Christmas, 

My name is Paperwork and I have been very good this year. I arrested some bad people and made sure that they weren't able to hurt or steal from the nice people for at least a few hours. I was nice to my Inspector, even though he's a buffoon, because I know how sensitive he is. I only broke one Police car. And it wasn't really broke. Well, the wheels were, but that's all. And I was very sorry. And lastly, I only shouted at people when they were unpleasant. The nice people all got smiles. 

So, Santa, please can you bring me the following things? 

1) A new car. Not for me you understand. It's for work. Only, the one I'm driving there now has over 120,000 miles on the clock. And, because H.M. Inspectorate have decided we've got too many cars, my Inspector won't give me one. 

2) A new pen. I know, I know. You brought me loads last year. But I'd used them all by February. Which wasn't bad. Imagine if the Government weren't cutting down on the paperwork we have to do...

3) Some business cards with "I know it'll bugger up your budget, but I want what I'm entitled to. Thanks." printed on them. This is because I've decided to stop putting overtime on my card. As you know, I used to do it all the time but now the nasty Mrs Smith has screwed me over I'd rather just have the money now. And anyway, it's not like we're allowed to use the time off anyway. 

4) A big stick. Because Mrs Smith keeps screwing me and I don't like it. I thought perhaps I could poke her with it until she goes away. 

5) Some friends to play with. I used to have lots of friends at work, but they all keep disappearing. They go to somewhere called "specialist unit" and nobody ever sees them again. The Inspector told us we were going to get some new friends, but they were called "Support Officers". He said we're not allowed to play with them in case they get hurt. 

6) A new slogan. Because I'm bored of the one we've got. Everybody's started using it. In. Every. Sentence. As in; 

Officer 1: "Where are you going, colleague?"

Officer 2: "Why, I'm just popping out to Make ****** Safer. And Feel Safer"

Any slogan will do, but if you could bring me one that has something to do with "Locking Up Villains Until They're Too Old To Commit Crime" then that'd be nice. 

7) A donkey jacket, brazier and a big cardboard placard. I don't know why, but my friends (the ones who haven't disappeared) say we're going to need them soon. By the way, what does "scab" mean?

8) A Commendation. I saw in General Orders that the Chief gave loads out last week. I know I don't deserve one, because they were all on Quality Development Projects and Community Diversity Teams and I just arrest the bad people. But it might be nice to have a "Santa's Commendation" to put on my wall. 

9) Finally, Santa, I want you to bring peace and goodwill to all. Apart from the following:

• people who can't be arsed to work for a living and expect me to pay for their Stella and Sky Sports
• people who think it's OK to treat others like sh*t
• people who want me to raise their kids for them, because frankly they're too busy stealing. And drinking Stella
• people who can't so much as sniff a can of Stella without punching whoever happens to be stood next to them
• people who can't be arsed to sort out their own problems, "because, like, the Police should, like, do it, right, cos I pay your wages!"
• people who don't understand the concept of "that doesn't belong to you"

All the best Santa, 

Paperwork, aged 5 x