The Results Are In

Right, that's weekend nights done with. It was, as usual, stupidly busy, although last night PC Rain was on duty and gave us a bit of breathing space.

If I had to give five words that come into my head when I think about the weekend they'd be;

• fights (in pubs, outside pubs, in the street, in houses. One fight, between brothers, was on a cricket pitch). The majority of the fights I went to were refreshingly civilised. Only a couple of them involved weapons such as bottles and metal bars or, in one case, a television.
• alcohol. While I try and remember everything we did (I've just woken up and am going to need several more coffees before my brain starts working) I'm struggling to think of any job I went to that didn't involve somebody being pissed.
• rape. Unfortunately, because it's the weekend, there were the usual number of females (and one male) reporting having been raped whilst out drinking. This included a 13 (yep, thirteen) year old girl who'd been out drinking vodka with her mates.
• domestics. For anybody reading this from abroad, the weekend is traditionally when British people drink too much, go home and knock lumps out of their wives/girlfriends/husbands etc. Last night we arrested one bloke who's been systematically bullying and abusing his wife for seven years. (I think I'm supposed to use the word "allegedly" here?) which is a coincidence, given that this is exactly how long they've been married. As we slapped the cuffs on he gloated, "I bet I'll be out in half an hour. I'll show the bitch!" Happily, he'll still be locked up now. Eating microwave lasagne.
• gobby kids. I. Don't. Understand. Why. They. Can't. Just. Shut. Up. And. Walk. Away. You'd have thought that, given that they've been drinking and causing problems they'd want to avoid any Police input to their frivolities. But no. We turn up and they see it as an opportunity to show their mates how hard/clever/funny they are by arguing. This normally happens about fifteen seconds before the first one of them is locked up and made to look a bit daft/stupid/wet. "Children of Mytown: I wasn't joking when I threatened to arrest you. Go home!"

So, how did it measure up to my wish list?

1) I went to lots of jobs on blue lights and only rarely had to use my scribble stick. One mark.

2) There wasn't chance to watch Hot Fuzz. But we did spend a lot of time quoting our favourite bits and slipping them into conversations with the public - "I don't care who your dad is, jog on!" Half a mark.

3) I arrested one young chap for possession of different drugs. But he was actually rather pleasant. And we waited for hours to get through custody. So, no marks. However, I assisted in the arrest of the bloke from the domestic, and we only had to wait half an hour, so maybe an Honourable Mention.

4) I wasn't quick enough with the P.A. system turning up to fights. However, I went to a report of anti-social behaviour where a van load of PCSO's were having difficulty dispersing some kids. Inexplicably, I started quoting Jim Bowen over the P.A. ("And Bully's special prize, a night in the cells!") For some reason, (they were probably a bit scared!) this did the trick and they all buggered off. Half a mark.

5) We camped it up a bit, but not nearly as much as we should have. I did give my best Julian Clarey "Hiya!" when turning up to a disturbance at A&E, but that's about it. No marks.

6) I was threatened by lots of people; with the sack and with variations on "I'll see you off duty". On one occasion, I got my pocket book out and, pretending it was a diary, said "I can pencil you in for Wednesday, but it'll have to be quick because I've got a breakfast meeting." One mark.

7) Emails! I'm going to do a seperate post on this. But, trust me, this one scores marks!

8) Automatic (false) alarm at quite a nice house. Four bedrooms (one en-suite), nice big lounge and a lovely garden. Kitchen was a bit small for my liking though. One mark.

9) The wife from the domestic counts as a real victim. Particularly as she was brave enough to give us a statement. We spent a good few hours there between us making sure that her shit of a husband gets what's coming. One mark.

10) Bloke phones up to say he's been assaulted by his brother. When we get there, they've already made up but he's got a bit of a fat lip. He doesn't want to give a statement (says it was just an arguement) but I've got a dilema here (see NCRS on the "Creative Writing" post). He's reported a crime and I have to investigate it, and in so doing waste hours of my time. I ask him how he accounts for his injuries, then absent-mindedly rub my foot on the kitchen floor saying, "Ooh, that's a bit slippy" (they'd spilt something during their "arguement"). His eyes light up, "Er, I slipped and banged my face on the cabinet".
"Splendid, sign here and we'll be off!" One mark!

11) After the email I'll be writing about, I realised that I could never come up with anything quite as stupid as management and would only embarass myself by suggesting something with a bit of common sense. I didn't even try. No marks.

12) And finally, well, I'm here. One mark.

Adding them up, eight out of twelve. All in all quite a good set of shifts. I'm working next weekend too on lates and I'm quite looking forward to it.