Strip Search

One of the parts of my job I dislike the most is strip searching people. And until Keira Knightly or Eva Longoria decide to come to Mytown and start stealing, then insisting on dealing with me alone then that's unlikely to change.

There's a couple of reasons why, when in Police custody, you might end up being strip searched.

If you've been arrested for being in possession of drugs, or if you're a known, current drug user then it's pants off. This is to make sure you don't have any more hidden away that you can overdose on whilst in your cell. Because then we'll lose our jobs. Oh, and we don't want anything bad to happen to you.

If you're known to be suicidal then, again, you may well be strip searched. This is to make sure you can't self-harm whilst in your cell. Because then we'll lose our jobs. Oh, and we don't want anything bad to happen to you.

And then, if you're known to carry weapons or if the offence you've been brought in for is weapons related then, again, you'll have me or Female Me staring at your bits shortly afterwards.

I also saw one person get strip searched after repeatedly telling the Custody Sergeant to "f**k off!", though I'm not sure whether that was the reason for the search.

Anyway, you go in front of the Custody Sgt who directs the officers to conduct a strip search. You'll then be taken to a cell with at least two officers. They will ask (which means tell, but we're polite) you to remove the top half of your clothing which will then, in turn, be searched. You'll then have to pop your hands on your heads so that they can see you haven't got anything squirrelled away in your arm pits. If you've got particularly long arm pit hair, they'll have to give it a little rummage through to make sure there's nothing in there.

You'll then put your top half clothing back on (or the Police issue paper top if we're keeping your clothes) and you'll have to remove the lower half of your clothing. And, yes, this does include your underwear. I've strip searched some people, who have been in exactly the same position dozens of times, and try to swear blind that last time they didn't have to take their shreddies off. Well, you do. And if you refuse I'll have to come over and do it for you. Which will involve me touching you whilst you're naked. And I really don't want to do that.

You'll then have to show the soles of your feet and squat down to make sure there's nothing hidden where the Sun don't shine. Anyway, you then put your clothes back on and that's it. It doesn't take very long, but it's not very pleasant for any of us.

Apart from the vagrants. These people seem to revel in getting a bit of air to their boy bits. They'll stand there in the cell and swing "it" about looking like they're in the middle of a country stroll.

And they smell like something has crawled up their arse and died. As do their holey underpants, which I have to turn inside out to make sure there's nothing hidden in there. I am able to sit here and swear, on oath if necessary, that skid marks come not just in brown but in a variety of different colours. And textures.

The drug users are often covered in pus filled absesses, particularly around the groin where they "deep vein" because their other veins have collapsed. Their clothes stick to the sores and pull off any fresh scabs they've got.

And I've heard all sorts of unpleasant stories from female colleagues about them having strip searched female prisoners who are on their period but who haven't, er, fully taken care of their feminine hygeine. It's for this reason we keep a store of sanitary towels in the custody block.

Sometimes, of course, even a strip search doesn't find everything. Heroin users, particularly, are very adept at hiding some fairly large, sometimes sharp objects up their bums. One bloke, knowing that he was going to get nicked, managed to get heroin, citric acid, spoon and cigarette lighter up there. That's when you know that, perhaps, your addiction has got to an unmanageable state.

So, that's my bit done for the recruitment department. Should bring the applications flocking in. When they suggested a "warts and all" look at Policing, maybe they didn't have the hairy wart on some wino's backside in mind though?