Why The Police Need Creative Writing Courses

NCRS, which stands for the National Crime Recording Standards, means, basically, that if somebody reports a crime then it gets recorded as such.

In theory that sounds all right. We're all intelligent people and we know that that space in the corner of the room should have a DVD player in it. Therefore, it has been stolen! Elementary.

However, an unfortunate by-product of NCRS is the fact that we have to take on face value all sorts of spurious reports from some people who are mad, lying deluded or a combination of the three.

"Right, so it was martians who stole your garden gnome? Here's your crime number." Well, it's not quite got to that point yet, but we're not far off.

When I was a lad, I would often get into fights at school. It wouldn't really matter what it was over. Whose ball it was, whose football team you wanted to be on at break, whose dad was hardest and whether your dad really was Mr T. Whatever, at some point during lunch break I'd probably end up having a scrap.

I used to tell me dad when I got home, but soon realised that this lead to me getting a clip around the ear and a telling off. The one thing he didn't do was phone the Old Bill. If he had though, I'm sure some bobby would have come round and, er, given me a clip round the ear probably.

However, if my dad was to phone the Police now the bobby attending would bring with him a hundred weight of paperwork to complete and I'd be video interviewed. Because I'm a victim. Of course, they'd then go and see the other lad (or girl if I'd been properly beaten up) and of course they'd be a victim too. Bottom line, we're both as bad as each other so we can both have juvenile reprimands.

When I first joined the job, which isn't actually that long ago, I went to a reported shoplifter. Turns out it was a 11 or 12 year old girl nicking sweets. She'd never been in trouble before. The shopkeeper knew her and her mum (in fact, he'd already called her) and just wanted her to get a telling off.

So I did. I waited for mum to turn up then I told the girl off until she started crying (otherwise you can't be sure they're actually listening) and then, er, well we all went home. Mum was happy that her daughter wasn't going to Cell Block H and that she'd learnt her lesson, shopkeeper was happy that he could go back to, well, shopkeeping and I got to go back out and look for some proper criminals. I can't remember if I found any. Probably not. But the point is I was out there looking. Nowadays I'd be hauled over the coals for dereliction of duty.

Now I'd have to spend hours on the job; appropriate adults, interviews, solicitors, statements, file preparation....

Because of this, every copper who's been in for a little while (anything over about six minutes) quickly learns the art of "batting" or "cuffing".

In essence, this is a Bad Thing. It means, if I'm honest, getting rid of a job rather than dealing with it "properly". However, "properly" isn't necessarily the best way for all concerned. So some jobs genuinely deserve to get "batted".

If I go to a 11 year old shoplifter tomorrow, in exactly the same circumstances, I can either get the golden "detection" to help off set our unsolved burglaries, in which case I'll get little else done all day, or I can try and introduce a bit of common sense into procedings.

First time around, I could have given a result like, "shopkeeper doesn't want to make a complaint, mum's taken daughter away, no crime". And that's it. Finished. And this was fine with the bosses.

Today's copper has to be much more inventive with the the wording. So, I've found the following phrases of great use...

"There is sufficient doubt to suggest that a crime has not been committed".
"This was not an assault, rather a case of school yard japes". One of my favourites. I actually used this one. And it worked!
"It is impossible to tell whether this is new or old damage".
"A heated arguement rather than an assault".
"No possibility of successful prosecution".
"Not in the public interest to continue".
"A disproportionate use of Police resources".
"The suspect has stated that he made a genuine mistake and has paid the money owed".
"The witness was unable to provide any description".
"There is evidence that the item may actually be simply lost or misplaced".
"A minor neighbour dispute that doesn't amount to harassment".
"Things said in the heat of the moment but not meant".
"An unfortunate, unforeseen set of circumstances which could not have been avoided".

I'm not giving away any secrets. It's only what their solicitors tell them to say, and if we investigate a crime we're looking at all sorts of other things like CCTV, witnesses etc. And that's the point. Police officers like arresting crooks. If we think there's half a chance of locking somebody up who deserves it, we'll be there like a rat up a drainpipe.

It's just that some jobs really neither need nor deserve Police input.

Caller: "My neighbour keeps harassing me by cutting his lawn on Sundays when he knows I like to watch Coronation Street".
Result: "A minor neighbour dispute that doesn't amount to harassment".

See how it works? So, if the government insist in making us nothing more than crime recorders, the least they can do is send us all on a course so that we can do it with a bit of flair!