Health And Safety

I went on a Health And Safety course the other week, specifically tailored for Policing.


Now, I didn't have particularly high hopes to start with, but when the person giving the training kicks off with the question, "What risk assessments did you carry out on your way in to work today?", you know you're in for a long day. (Apparently, the chap "continually risk assesses his environment, starting with making sure the dog isn't asleep next to the bed so he doesn't trip over it. This bloke IS his job.)


Still, I persevered and managed to pay attention to most of it. And I'm happy to report it's too dangerous for me to leave the station. And to stay in the station. I suggested staying in bed, but that's too dangerous as well.


This country has gone crazy for Health and Safety, and the man from the H&SE with his clipboard now holds more sway than any Chief Constable. It's one thing keeping a weather eye out for trailing electrical wires and signs that say "Danger, Asbestos! If you come in here you will die soon!"


But practically everything I do involves some sort of risk.


I put this to him: "What about the incredibly violent chap who'd really rather not be arrested?"
His answer? "Well, under those circumstances you should have enough officers present to minimise the risk before you arrest him. About five or six."
Me (chuckling): "What if there's only three officers on duty?"
Him (annoyed): "Well you have to risk assess!"
Me (starting to enjoy myself): "OK, I've assessed it. We haven't enough officers. Now what?"
Him (smiling now): "Ah, well then you withdraw."
Me (admittedly a bit smug): "But then wouldn't I be neglecting my duty? What if it was you he'd just assaulted? You'd want him arresting wouldn't you?"
Him (looking for something to throw at me before realising that'd be "dangerous") "Right, moving on....."

You see, Health and Safety is difficult to implement if your job is, by definition, not very healthy. Or safe.


Broken sleeping patterns due to shift work. DANGEROUS!
Running through gardens chasing thieves. DANGEROUS! (but really good fun!)
Going into a put to arrest somebody for a serious assault. DANGEROUS!
Driving quickly to a burglar on premises. DANGEROUS!
Entering a house during a domestic incident. DANGEROUS!
Having somebody wave a knife at you because "They're coming!" DANGEROUS.


If you ask The Man With The Clipboard everything is dangerous. Their lives must be bloody dull! But anyway, in the spirit of reconcilliation, I've decided to do my bit to meet them halfway and I've designed a new Police uniform.


I don't know if it'll catch on. And one or two of my colleagues might not be pleased. But the chap from the HSE is going to love it.