Helpful Hints

Some people have very little contact with the Police, and it can be quite daunting when they do. So I thought I'd jot down some little hints to help things go as smoothly as possible.

1) Don't say "haven't you got anything better to do?" As soon as you say this you've answered your own question. Because whatever the officer was doing is now less important than writing you out a ticket.
2) Don't say "shouldn't you be out catching burglars?" You're overlooking the fact that we keep having to stop catching burglars to deal with people not wearing their seatbelts.
3) Don't say, "you can't do this". Because the chances are we can. And now we're probably going to prove it by doing it.
4) Don't ask me if I was bullied at school. Because I might have been for all you know. And now I'm going to deal with the resurfaced feelings of sadness and low self-worth by giving you a ticket instead of a ticking off.
5) Don't call me a "fu**ing little pr*ck" and then act all surprised when I arrest you.
6) Unless you're a High Court Judge don't try giving the officer instruction on what the law does or doesn't say. We have to go to training school and learn all sorts of definitions before we're let loose on the public.
7) Don't tell me "I know the Chief Constable". Because we both know you're telling porkies. (This doesn't work if the person you've stopped is the husband/wife of the Chief Constable).
8) Do try smiling. We're not used to this and it might throw us enough to let you off.
9) Do be nice. This is called "passing the attitude test". Which, officially, doesn't exist. However, we're only human so if someone's pleasant to us we're much more likely to keep our pen in our pocket.
10) Try to avoid leaving the house with any of the following objects in your car or about your person: drugs, knives, guns, stolen property, items for breaking into people's houses or cars, my DVD player (as you'll have read on previous posts, I'm quite attached to it).
11) And if you absolutely can't avoid having any of the above items with you, it's probably worth not attacking me with any of them. This will almost certain affect the way I am with you.
12) Don't give me a false name. Particularly one that's either not very imaginative or a bit too imaginative. Expecting to get away with calling yourself "Al Kaseltzer" means you think I'm incredibly thick.