What do we do then?

I heard a chap on the radio earlier today lamenting on how it took the Police days to attend his home after his car was stolen. Where were the Police then? Busy investigating murders and GBH's?

Er, unlikely. You see it's also the annual Police Federation Conference this week and the major debating point has been how much of out time is wasted on absolute rubbish.

Man arrested for possession of an egg with intent to throw. Schoolboy arrested for assault with piece of cucumber. It went on. The list was long and embarrassing.

The main reason given for us wasting out time like this is the fact that we have to spend our days chasing Government targets. Basically, if somebody reports a "crime" (I'll use inverted commas because a lot of the crimes that get reported are not, actually crimes) then we believe them and issue them with their "crime number". However, this means that we have an undetected crime on our hands. We can't have that, because it makes the figures look bad. So we have to then detect that crime by either charging the person involved or issuing them with a caution (or reprimand/final warning for the youngsters).

So it's true to say that the reason the man with the undeveloped chicken foetus was arrested because we needed to tick the "detected" box. Makes the Chief Constable look good you see.

But there's also another reason we waste so much time on tat like this: because people report it to us!

I mean, seriously. Imagine Little Johnny, your son, comes home from school:
You: Little Johnny, you look upset. What's wrong?
L.J: Little Sammy threw a piece of soggy cucumber at me. It hit me on the arm.
You: By God, that's terrible! Call the Constable! I want Little Sammy dragged through the highest Court in the land! (there follows a 999 call then as much as 20 hours of a Police officer's time as he video interviews half the school and organises the slap on the wrist for Little Sammy).

Imagine how different, how much nicer it would be and how many more bobbies on the street if the conversation went like this:
You: Little Johnny, you look upset. What's wrong?
L.J: Little Sammy threw a piece of soggy cucumber at me. It hit me on the arm.
You: Oh. Never mind. Tell the teacher if he does it again. (there follows a nice family meal and Little Johnny goes to bed having forgotten why he was upset in the first place. The next day Little Johnny and Little Sammy sit next to each other in Maths and spend the whole lesson talking about Power Rangers).

People don't sort things out for themselves any more. They don't talk to their neighbours. They don't talk to their kid's school. If they've got a problem their first thought isn't, "how can I sort this out". Instead it's, "who can sort this out for me?". And the answer, invariably, is the Police.

We're supposed to be an Emergency Service. For helping people out. In emergencies. Instead we've become a one-stop shop for people who should be speaking to the Council, Samaritans, the Ambulance Service, their neighbours or God.

To be fair, I suppose I'm getting paid whether I'm catching burglars or arresting somebody for throwing a cup of water over their boyfriend. Maybe I shouldn't be moaning and just crack on with whatever comes my way. But, if that is the case, then the public can't have a go at us if we're not there when we really need them. We're probably still investigating the "my ex- stared at my house" complaint you made last week.