I. Have. Got. Better. Things. To. Do.

I'm halfway through a set of early shifts and, for some reason, am feeling a bit arsed off with some of the stuff we've been to in the last couple of weeks. So, for the reference and use of anybody who's hand is hovering over the phone just about to dial 999 I thought I'd compile a quick list of things I'd rather not have to waste my time with.

1) "My son's been assaulted" when what you mean is "my son and his mate have had a falling out at school over who's the best Spice Girl." We both know that by the time I knock on your door they'll both be upstairs playing on his Xbox together. But now I have to spend time investigating this "crime".

2) "I'm being harrassed". No, you're not. I know you've heard of the Harrassment Act, but that was brought in to protect vulnerable people from nutters stalking them. It's not there to help you get one over on your ex- for sending you a shitty text message.

3) "I've been assaulted by a bouncer". Can I suggest that you might not be telling the full story here? Come on, be honest, you were drunk and perhaps just a little bit nasty about his taste in leather jackets. So he chucked you out of the pub. Which he's allowed to do.

4) "My neighbour is harrassing me". Seriously. You're both (almost) fully functioning adults. If the run off from his hosepipe creeps onto your half of the driveway when he washes his car then just follow this advice - find a quiet room, close the door behind you, sit down comfortably, close your eyes and repeat to yourself "it's only a bit of fu**ing water!!!!!!!" Grow up!

5) "My daughter won't go to school". Look, I know we're here to help but when we said that we meant with, well, Policey type stuff. You know, catching burglars. That sort of thing. I don't want to sound uncaring. Really I don't. BUT YOU'RE THE BLOODY PARENT! YOU SORT IT OUT!

6) "I've just been assaulted and it was totally unprovoked". Now, are you sure there's nothing more you want to tell me? Because you and I both know that when I check the CCTV you're going to be on there, front and centre, trying to pick a fight with anyone who'll give you the time of day.

7) "There's some blockage in the road". Well, I mean, thanks for letting us know. Because that's a road safety issue. And we like them. But in the time it's taken you to make this call you could have moved the bloody thing out of the way.

8) "My neighbour keeps staring at me". Playing Devil's advokate here, surely you must have been staring at them to notice them staring at you? Do you see where we're going here? Six of one......

9) "My husband is refusing to leave the house". That's because it's their house too. They live here. Look, there's his toothbrush next to the sink. I'm not allowed to chuck somebody out onto the street because they're in your bad books.

10) "I'm going to kill myself". I've been to lots of suicides. All of them tragic and all of them having left an imprint on me. Each of them was different but one thing they all had in common was that none of the people involved telephoned me first to let me know what they were going to do. However, now that you've said you're going to kill yourself the Police, courtesy of the tax payer, is going to spend thousands and thousands of pounds helping to give you some badly needed attention. If you need help, or just someone to talk to, then just ask for it. But whilst we're running around helping your feelings of self-worth we're not helping other people in genuine need.

Don't get me wrong. The main reason I joined the Police was, and still is, to help people. I like helping people. It makes me feel useful in a way that DIY just can't match.

And finally, if you do actually, genuinely, need us please don't liberally scatter the word "knife" around during your call to us just because you think we'll get there quicker. All that means is that the copper who does turn up will be suitably arsed off with you and you might not get the caring attitude you were hoping for.